REVIEW: Pet Sematary (2019)

Pet Sematary (2019) is a reboot of a fairly famous horror film based on a fairly famous Stephen King book. It tells the story of Dr. Louis Creed who finds a burial ground that can bring the dead back to life…well almost. The body may come back, but the soul, that’s up for debate.

 

Watching this movie felt like reading a buzzfeed article titled Top 10 WORST Horror Movie Tropes.

  1. The film opens on a helicopter shot of Christmas trees.

  2. Innocuous things happen loudly.

  3. There’s a mystical old man in the woods.

  4. Then the cat came back, the very next day, he meowed kinda spooky but he didn’t go away.

  5. HOW ‘BOUT A SLLLLLOOOOOW MOOOOOTIOOOON MIDPOOOINNNNTTTTT?

  6. The leading lady works through some poorly executed childhood trauma.

  7. OH NO! My cell phone doesn’t work!

  8. The inevitable creepy kid scenes.

  9. The house is on fire…because why not?

  10. The last minute twist you saw coming in the first act.

Badda bing badda boom we have ourselves a feature.

It’s annoying to say the least, but all this ugh-seen-it-ness could be stomachable if the presentation was given an ounce of subtly. I’m assuming the source material has it in spades but I don’t know if the people behind this adaptation even know what that word means. The music is cheesy, the effects look dated, none of the actors are at their best, the color scheme and camera work are uninteresting, the dialogue has zero charm, the themes are muddled, and it constantly broke my suspension of disbelief.

I mean really, one moment John Lithgow is meeting with your 9 year old daughter in a cemetery and the next he’s invited for brunch?

What?

I wish I could bury this film in the Pet Sematary. At least it’s violent reanimated corpse would put me out of my misery.

0.5/5